Realizations

I’ve been coming to some realizations lately.

 

Love is not about compatibility – it’s about the desire to be together, sharing happiness with each other, and dedicating yourselves to one another.

 

Happiness isn’t about success – it’s about feeling self-fulfilled, finding reasons to smile everyday, and facing every day with a positive attitude.

 

Beauty isn’t about appearance – it’s about your own acceptance of yourself, finding enjoyment in everyday life, and letting those things shine through.

 

Wisdom isn’t about intelligence – it’s about being open minded, thinking creatively, and wanting to share your ideas with others.

 

Confidence is not about status – it’s about belief in your own ideals, acknowledging their importance, and not being afraid to stand up for them.

 

In a world that is constantly changing, it’s important to me to hold these truths as righteous in my mind.

 

There are too many people

who would like to

impose

their ideas upon me.

 

And too many have already done so.

 

Not anymore.

 

The tides are shifting

and I am content.

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Curtains

My life has always been shrouded by curtains.

 

These curtains were used to cover things up.

 

The ugly.

The unworthy.

The not-so-nice.

The problems that I do not feel the need, ability, or courage to deal with.

Everything that I was not pleased with about myself.

 

For how easy is it to draw a curtain

Compared to defeating a demon?

 

My life has been altered by these self-drawn curtains.

And not for the better.

 

Every curtain had a name.

 

A lover.

A god.

A friend.

A flimsy piece of fabric that I had convinced myself to be stone.

 

Because how can you convince others of your own walls when you still know that they are only curtains yourself?

 

So I believed my curtains to be made of stone.

When they never were.

 

And one day, all of my curtains were drawn at once.

 

The light was blinding.

Burning.

Searing.

Painful.

 

For who likes being faced with the lies they once told themselves?

 

But

this was my chance.

Nothing was guarding the ugly secrets I had been hiding

anymore.

 

Because drawing back the curtains is the hardest part.

The daylight is streaming in.

 

I must face it.

I will face it.

I can face it.

 

Everything happens for a reason.

 

My curtains were drawn for me.

 

And I will never

close them again.

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It’s Time to Rant.

*Warning: this post contains some strong language that was chosen very carefully and purposefully by the author in order to accentuate her point clearly. If this bothers you, then please escort yourself away from this blog, because she can express her opinion in any way she wishes. Thank you very much*

 

It’s really kind of depressing when you think about how often in one day women are subjected to seeing themselves as not beautiful.

 

Let’s take my average day.

 

Each morning I wake up and get dressed in front of a large, full body mirror that has been contorted with society’s typical views of beauty. While scrutinizing myself relentlessly, I turn to the side, shrug, and move on like the utterly self-degrading act I just committed against myself was no big deal.

 

Which it really isn’t.

 

Then, I take the tram to school, on the way seeing countless advertisements for things like perfume, clothes, and dieting plans. Here’s a little something to make guys think you’re more attractive. Here’s a non-existent, technologically altered woman providing you with an unrealistic view on what you should look like, and providing men with unrealistic expectations on what you normally look like. Oh, and on top of that, we think you’re getting a little soft around the edges (if you know what we mean), so here’s this chemical concoction that probably won’t do anything for you physically, but psychologically it will convince you that it is, so you’ll waste m ore money on our pointless product.

 

And now that I’m in such a great mood.

 

Time to go to school and interact with a bunch of hormonally driven teenagers (some of whom I find quite attractive) and forced to concentrate on something that will actually be beneficial to my life and future. Despite knowing that fact, I still let my mind wander to the tall, skinny blonde on the other side of the room, wondering how the hell she can actually look like that while being a living, breathing human being. I also can quite clearly observe the girl who seems to have a new wardrobe every single week, wishing that I could look that fabulous in her skinny jeans and high heel boots (knowing that I probably can’t). Don’t forget the aesthetically pleasing male sitting three rows behind me, probably with a perfect view of my ass, and wondering if I even show up on his radar.

 

All of this while attempting to finish my calculus homework.

 

Now that I’ve finished school, I can make my way home. But not without walking through the city-center and being forced to look at a bunch of over priced clothing that I can’t afford, trying to convince myself that I don’t need it to be beautiful, and at the same time letting ‘Blurred Lines’ run through my head as it’s being blared out of the nearest shop and wondering, “God what am I doing with my life?”

 

And hell, I’m only seventeen.

 

Imagine what this would do to a 14 year old girl, who has to go through the same experience every day, whose head has not yet been able to wrap around the fact that she doesn’t have to be perfect and doesn’t have to please everyone (because God knows even I haven’t quite gotten there yet)?

 

Am I over exaggerating?

 

Probably.

 

Does that mean it makes any of these issues less real?

 

Hell no.

 

I still have to look in the mirror every day, before any of the outside world has gotten its slimy, manipulating fingers on my brain, and tell myself:

“Hot damn, girl, you are attractive as fuck today.”

“Not only that, you are one badass chick who can stand up for herself and will NOT let any stupid, malignant, idiotic fuckface tell you that you aren’t beautiful, sexy, courageous, and smart.”

 

Because without that, I can’t make it through the day.

 

What does that tell you about our society?

 

And to go one step further from that…

 

What does that tell you about the people who control our society?

 

Food for thought…

Tangibility

I miss the eyes

that would hold my gaze for longer than a second.

That would really see me for me

and would love me for me.

But I do not miss you.

 

I miss the hands

that would grasp mine tightly for fear of loss.

That would be my anchor to reality

and the wings for what wasn’t.

But I do not miss you.

 

I  miss the voice

that would call my name so happily upon greeting.

That would whisper it so lovingly

and would say it so longingly.

But I do not miss you.

 

I miss the touch

that would explore my dips and curves so carefully.

That would be amazed at discovery

and not critical or picky.

But I do not miss you.

 

I miss having a him, not a you.

A body, not a name.

A dream not a reality.

 

For what else can I have?

 

Now I’m back at the beginning.

Stuck

imagining my life with him,

instead of imagining my life with you.Image

Definitions

Cute, little Anja.

Sweet, little Anja.

Nice, adorable, lovable Anja.

 

Cute – definition: pleasingly pretty.

Sweet – definition: having pleasant manners.

Adorable – definition: delightful or charming.

 

I wonder if it’s time to re-evaluate myself

if these are the words that people always use to describe me.

Not that these characteristics are bad.

On the contrary, they’re quite nice.

 

But that’s just it.

 

Nice.

 

Is that all that I am?

Is this all that I can be?

An agreeable, polite, conservative girl

who does what she’s told

and lives in the background?

 

I would hate to think that.

 

Some other adjectives I want to come to people’s minds when they think of me:

 

Strong – definition: of great moral power or courage.

Confident – definition: sure of oneself.

Stunning – definition: of striking beauty or excellence.

 

This is the woman that I want to be.

 

One with a voice.

One with an opinion.

One with a purpose.

 

I need to change how I hold myself.

How I dress myself.

How I present myself.

 

And not just on the outside,

the part everyone sees.

 

But also on the inside,

the part only there for me.

 

Because I cannot be

strong, confident, or stunning

only on the outside.

 

It has to come from within.

 

This is my challenge.

And I accept.

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Foundations

My foundations are so strong.

 

I’ve built them of stone-hard brick,

Fused together with thick cement

And baked them to solidity in the boiling sun.

 

But then you turn your head towards me.

 

And my foundations,

The ones I had worked so hard in securing

Shatter.

Like the thinnest of ice on a pool in February.

 

The iciness of the pool encompasses me

In its relentless embrace.

 

I am confused.

Lost.

Which way is the surface?

 

Thinking, oh so confidently, that I know where the surface lies,

I swim with determination deeper into the unknown foundations of the pool.

 

My breath is shortening.

My eyesight is fading.

Everything is

So calm

And

Peaceful.

 

But a hand reaches inwards and drags me out by the scruff of my neck.

Logic dries me off.

She gives me a warm blanket and reassurance

That the next time you look it won’t be this bad.

 

But it is forever February in my heart

And an icy pool at my feet.

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Smoking on the Balcony

This morning I looked outside to see a man, leaning with his forearms on the railing, smoking a cigarette on his balcony. His glasses glinted in the sun as he turned his head, observing the world below. Being on the first story, he could probably make out the faces of the people riding their bikes to work or walking to the grocery store. Faces tell you a lot about a person. Creases by the corners of their eyes usually points out a person who is filled with laughter. People with perfectly maintained eyebrows and light makeup give the impression that they care a lot about their appearance… not necessarily in a negative way, of course. Those with freckled or tanned skin tend to spend hours outdoors: whether to enjoy the beauty of nature, spend time with friends, or go on adventures is all to be speculated by the observer.

 

Now, I know that our smoking friend was very unlikely to have been able to see all that much detail from his position, but it is nice to speculate as much. I begin to wonder how much time he spends on that balcony, lighting up a cigarette and watching the constant movement of the busy street. In my opinion, you must be either very lonely, or very thoughtful to be able to spend so much time watching the world while you sit idle on the sidelines.

 

Having introverted friends, and expressing some of those traits myself, I completely understand the need to be alone at times, absorbed in thought and mere perception. But I also don’t think that anyone can be involved in such activities on a regular basis without feeling at least a slight tinge of loneliness.

 

It wasn’t too long after I noticed him that he straightened up, put out his cigarette in the corner by the pink flower boxes and walked back inside. He left the door open, but he drew the sheer curtains to block the outside world.

 

Maybe he is lonely after all.

 

I’ll never know.

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The Right Reasons

Please:

 

Run because it makes you feel powerful.

Eat healthy because it makes your body feel like a temple.

Wear makeup because it makes you feel beautiful.

Buy a dress because you love the way it looks on you.

Go to a party because you think it’s going to be fun.

Go to college because you value your education.

Kiss him because you love him.

Break up with him because you don’t.

 

It’s your body.

It’s your life

It’s your future.

 

It’s your choice.

 

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The Power of a Human Being

There comes a point in one’s life where they realize that they can do anything.

 

You want to travel the world? Done.

You want to write a novel? Be my guest.

You want to loose twenty pounds? Go for it.

 

However, coupled with that life-changing realization is that the only person who can really stop you is yourself.

 

You were the one who spent three hundred dollars shopping last week, not your mother who says travelling is too dangerous.

You were the one who sat down to watch six hours of television, not your co-worker who tells you that you’ll never make a living that way.

You were the one to stare in the mirror and say, “There’s no way.” Not the asshole that made a comment about your weight as you walked by on the street.

 

This can be a truly frightening thought.

 

It’s me.

It’s me.

It’s me.

 

But at the same time, quite liberating.

 

It’s me.

It’s me.

It’s me.

 

You hold your life in your hands. People can talk all they like, but you decide if you let it get to your head or not.

 

In the end,

 

it’s you who buys the tickets.

it’s you who picks up the pen.

it’s you who goes for a run.

 

So take your life by the scruff of its neck… because no one else can or will do it for you.Image

4 Things to Add to Your Bucket List (Courtesy of My Mother).

My mom is always good at surprising me with bits of wisdom in ways and at times that I would never expect them.

In case you don’t know (check the previous post), my family is splitting up next year due to many different issues (none of which are family problems – we are still 100% together as a family unit).

Today was spending some time with her when she said that there are four things that I have to do at some point in my life:

  1. Go somewhere where there aren’t many lights. Take a blanket and a person that you love and lay outside underneath the stars and realize how infinitely miniscule our lives are… but how delicious they are at the same time.
  2. Go skinny-dipping.
  3. Break a rule (one that won’t cost you money or land you in prison). Do this to realize that you don’t always have to follow the rules.
  4. Take someone that you love and go to a really fancy restaurant – order dessert first.

She has been reading the book The Fault in Our Stars by John Green (which I have written a book review to on this blog), so I’m pretty sure this is where these thoughts have stemmed from. However, I think there is a lot of wisdom and life-lessons in these specific experiences she wants me to have before I leave the Earth. Let me explain their importance…

Number 1

This is my favorite, to be completely honest. We live in a constantly globalizing world that doesn’t seem to know how (or why) to stand still. Cell phones, Twitter, and texting have integrated themselves into our lives so seamlessly that I can hardly remember a time that I wasn’t attached to some sort of electronic device. For me, it’s my iPod. I’m always listening to music and drowning out my surroundings so I can retreat into my own, little, safe world. I don’t have to pay attention or feel obligated to see anyone – they’re just other human beings involved in their own little worlds. We mutually acknowledge each other and then move on. When is the last time that you struck up a conversation with a random commuter or the checkout lady at the supermarket or the homeless guy on the street? We never stop and realize that we are all human beings living on a piece of rock floating in a space about which we know next to nothing except that it’s big, black, and filled with stars. And how better to realize that fact than to go and take a good, long look at it? Leave your electronic devices (and anything else that might distract you) behind; otherwise the entire point of escaping from the world is lost. Look up at the infinite expanse of stars and imagine the countless solar systems, galaxies, and even universes that we will more than likely never discover in the entire history of humanity. If by then the fact hasn’t sunk in yet, try to achieve that impossible task that we all tried as a small child at one point in our lives – count the twinkling lights on the black velvet sky. See how far you can get before you lose track or run out of numbers. Think about infinity; how we are not, in contrary to popular belief, infinite. We are so, so very finite and we don’t realize it. Who runs around thinking that they are going to die someday?

We walk through life believing in our infinity to such an extent that we never stop and appreciate the world. However, to move away from this slightly depressing idea, we need to also realize (in the words of my mom) how delicious life is. The fact that we are not forever – and never will be forever – makes every single moment so special. That is the reason why this is my favorite thing on my metaphorical “bucket list.”

Number 2

I’m sure that this is something that lays on most everybody’s bucket list. Of course, because of it’s appealing nature. It has so many different connotations to it depending on your point of view: carefree living, reckless risk taking, or even mischievous intimacy. You strip away everything on the surface, and then jump blindly into the water. It’s a refreshing, nerve-racking, yet – in some strange way – beautiful experience. It is one that I am looking forward to having.

Number 3

Obedience to authority – it is a trait that every single one of us human beings has somewhere in our roots, whether or not we wish to admit it. Maybe it’s a flaw in our inner beings – why must we defer to authority in order to make decisions? Why do we, as completely independent, free thinking organisms, feel the need to consistently bend our backs to the yoke of superiority? Now, I’m no anarchist, and I am indeed not saying that we completely disintegrate our concept of hierarchy. In fact, I perfectly appreciate it. Our entire society functions on the idea that there are some people who give orders, and some who take them. Some people who make them, and plenty of people who break them. All of these layers balance out in to functioning society. We need people to make the rules so that we don’t destroy our society as a whole. Those who give the orders ensure that we are following them. Those who take them prove to us that this type of system can work out positively somehow. However, we need the people who break the rules to give us another perspective – that we, as the people, have more power than we think. It is destructive to believe, even for one moment, that anyone besides you is stopping you. You are in complete control of your own life, and no one can take that away from you. Rules are there to protect us, sure. But you also need to appreciate your own personal freedom. Of course you shouldn’t go out and murder or steal or anything of the source. But only break a rule to prove to yourself that you are in control.

And finally, Number 4

Every time I read number four it makes me smile. Even while typing this, my mouth can’t help but twitch upwards. It’s because this requirement touches my inner child. What little kid upon arriving at the restaurant with his or her family doesn’t wish for that double chocolate ice cream sundae before his dinner? It reminds me that we don’t always have to take the full weight of our problems on our shoulders 24/7. We need to let our ‘grown-up’ façade fade away every once in a while and let our inner 6-year-old run wild. It’s healthy. Otherwise we turn stiff and professional and lose all of that precious imagination and fearlessness that children possess. Young human beings believe that they can do anything, and can believe in the impossible. Why do we lose these traits? Why should we? I haven’t been able to find an answer to these questions yet that I am completely content with. So take off that suit coat and tie or those 6-inch heels. Let your hair down, and order dessert first, despite the perhaps judgmental looks of the other customers. Because what are they achieving, sitting there in their stuffy adult clothes eating their fancy adult food? Nothing that you can’t accomplish with your double chocolate ice cream sundae. But the best part? You can do so much more.

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